STORYTIME: How My Ex-Best Friend Stole My Kitten… Then Gave It Back AS ASHES 12 YEARS LATER. So I “Accidentally” Stole His Man. Y’all, this is the most messed up, twisted, soap opera-level story of my entire life. Buckle up. So let’s rewind to when I was 7 years old. My parents got me a kitten for my birthday. She was the cutest little thing, all fluffy and tiny, and I named her Marshmallow because she looked like one. Now, my so-called “best friend” Luca—who I had literally known since birth— was obsessed with her. He’d always say, “If you ever don’t want her, I’ll take her.” And I was like, “Uh, no? She’s mine?” WELL. One day, Marshmallow goes missing. I searched EVERYWHERE. I was crying, making lost posters, begging my parents to call the police like she was a missing person—it was DIRE. Luca? He was suspiciously chill about the whole thing. Too chill. But I was too young and stupid to put two and two together. Fast forward TWELVE YEARS LATER. I’m 19 and have finally cut Luca off after he trashed my entire room, stole my jewelry, broke my makeup, and traumatized my now dead hamster. (If you don’t know, check the last storytime.) So we haven’t spoken in months. Then, out of nowhere, he texts me, like: “Hey. I have something of yours. Can we meet?” At this point, I was curious but also suspicious. I was thinking, maybe he’s finally giving back the stuff he stole? So I meet up with him at this random-ass park. He shows up, hands me a plastic bag, and just says: “Here. It’s Marshmallow.” I open the bag. It’s. HER. ASHES. MY BABY. IN A FREAKING PLASTIC BAG. Y’all, my brain short-circuited. I was standing there, holding my DEAD PET, while he just stood there like this was totally normal. I was like: “WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. HELL.” And Luca? He just shrugs and says: “Yeah, so… funny story. I kinda accidentally stole her when we were kids. She ran away, and I found her, but I didn’t want to give her back. So I just kept her. And then… yeah, she died. But I figured you’d want her ashes, so… here you go.” LIKE??? EXCUSE ME??? At that moment, I had never wanted to commit a felony more in my life. I was SPEECHLESS. But I just took the bag, looked him dead in the eyes, and said: “You’re going to regret this.” AND BOY, DID HE. See, Luca had a boyfriend. A very hot, very bisexual boyfriend. And I? Well. I may or may not have accidentally started talking to him. And we may or may not have flirted a little. And we may or may not have ended up sleeping together. Oops. Now, was it revenge? Maybe. Was it petty? Absolutely. Do I feel bad? Eh. And now I’m sitting here, holding onto this secret, debating whether I should tell Luca or just let him find out the messy way. What do y’all think? Should I confess? Or should I let karma do its thing? 👀 anyways search Priscilla storytimezz for more crazy stuff like this

STORYTIME PART 2: When Luca Found Out I Stole His Man… And Then WE Found Out We ALL Got Played. Y’ALL. Y’ALL. Y’ALL. I did NOT think this situation could get worse—but OH BOY, DID IT. So let’s backtrack. If you missed Part 1, basically: Luca, my ex-best friend, stole my kitten when we were 7 years old and gave her back 12 years later… as ASHES in a plastic bag. In revenge, I accidentally stole his boyfriend, Henry. We hooked up behind Luca’s back. Oops. WELL. HENRY FELT GUILTY. So, this man just decides to CONFESS EVERYTHING to Luca. And lemme tell you, when Luca found out? HE. LOST. IT. So fast forward to this party, right? I’m out here, minding my business, looking cute, living my best life. And then BOOM—in storms Luca, foaming at the mouth like a damn rabid dog, looking ready to end my entire bloodline. He’s screaming: “WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS THAT SNAKE-ASS BITCH?!” I pretend I don’t hear him. But then Henry, this idiot, has the AUDACITY to say: “Uh… she’s right there.” LIKE??? BABE. WHY. So Luca locks eyes with me, and I just KNOW it’s about to go down. He lunges at me, fists clenched, but BABY—I came prepared. I pull out my pepper spray, hit him RIGHT in the face, and this man SCREAMS like he just got possessed by a demon. I’m talking: “AHHHHHHHH, MY EYES! MY F*ING EYES!!” EVERYONE is watching. It’s a WHOLE scene. Then, out of nowhere, this random-ass girl appears, clinging onto Henry like a lost puppy, and she’s like: “Um… what’s going on?” Me and Luca—BOTH temporarily setting aside our differences—look at her and go: “WHO THE F*ck ARE YOU?'' And she, still clutching onto Henry, goes: “Um… I’m Emma… Henry’s girlfriend?” …..EXCUSE ME? Henry looks like he just got hit by a freight train. He’s sweating, eyes darting around like he’s planning his own escape route. Luca and I look at each other. Then Luca turns back to Henry, cracks his knuckles, and says: “That’s crazy because I’M Henry’s boyfriend. And Priscilla over here? She’s ALSO his girlfriend.” SILENCE. Emma? She’s stunned. Then—out of nowhere—this girl lets out a SCREAM, jumps on Henry, and starts BEATING HIS ASS. AND LUCA? HE JOINS IN. Like, they are tag-teaming this man like it’s WWE, throwing hands, kicking, swinging, while I just STAND THERE in shock. And y’all… what did I do? I RAN. I took my pepper spray, grabbed my drink, and DIPPED. And that, my friends, is how I accidentally stole a man, exposed a serial cheater, and started a literal brawl at a party. Moral of the story? Never trust a man named Henry. They are built for the streets. search Priscilla storytimezz for mure

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PDX friends! Join @vinniekinsella and me for the first Incite event of 2024 next Wed, 1/10, 7pm @literaryarts This month’s theme is HEALING, & our featured readers are fiction/CNF writer Robin Lanehurst (@Robin_Lanehurst), poet/artist/essayist Lynne (@wheniwriteibreathe), & songwriter/poet Bobby Jo Valentine (@bobbyjvalentine).

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